The 5th stage is Anger – I long ago adopted the phrase, “Nothing is wasted” for my life. I believed it before my deconversion, and I believe it about 30 years spent primarily studying one book, and spending hours every day talking to an invisible person and listening to air. There must be a reason for it, even though I don’t yet know what it is. I am able to say that now, but a few months ago I was infuriated when I thought about how I’d spent my whole life:
- believing creationism and knowing nothing about evolution
- studying the Bible to the exclusion of classic literature, art, the natural world
- accepting only those who fit into a narrow definition of gender and sexuality
- missing out on opportunities for relationships with the majority of the population because I thought they would pull me away from God
- spending tens of thousands of dollars on Bible-based education
- being shaped by the male, Eurocentric, heteronormative way of thinking of church leaders
- not taking care of my body and shunning ambition because I thought eternal life was all that mattered
Acceptance – Although every once in awhile a poignant leftover from my religious life comes back to bite me in the butt, on the whole I think I’m hanging out in this stage. I still love my Christian friends and family. To those who choose the safety of delusion and denial over heart-wrenching, mind-blowing self evaluation, I say live and let live. I was there too, for a long time, and a bitter ex-Christian expounding the follies of faith would only have evoked pity and stubbornness. Also, I still have blind spots all over the place, even if I don’t have as many in the religion department.
Paul wrote in Romans about not being able to do the good he wanted to do. Ironically, now that I am not a Christian, I am able to be as good as I want without worrying about being prideful, and can be as immoral as I want without guilt. In other words, I do what I think is best, and in doing so, I get a lot more done. I always longed for this feeling of freedom as a Christian, and found it by making peace with (out) god.
Here are more post-faith accounts.
