Do you ever have the naked dream? Where you find yourself naked in a public place in a sea of clothed people? I do. But sometimes it’s fine – I realize I’m naked, but nobody’s looking at me and no one cares. It’s when people start staring, tell me with their hole-drilling eyes that I am doing something wrong, that I feel the need to cover up or disappear.
Almost four years after leaving Christianity, sometimes I still feel like Something can see me in my most nakedest of parts. And if what it sees is too angry, or judgmental, or perverted, or [insert antiquated moral standard here], it is disappointed, and I feel like a failure. It is too simplistic to say that this Something is god. It is a whole Christian doctrine that goes something like this:
1. Thoughts are a natural product of your heart, so that ‘bad’ thoughts mean there is something flawed in the your deepest part, something that only god can fix. There is no way to know how or when he will do it; you have to trust him.
2. Actions are a natural product of your thoughts, feelings and beliefs, so your internal dialogue must be constantly surveyed so that you’ll do the right thing.
Sound like a recipe for paranoia and defeat? This past week I spent several days mulling over what to do about someone who is harassing me. My biggest fear is that he would know from looking at me what my plans are – that he would have god-like ESP and use the information in my head against me. On top of that, I felt guilty, even though I haven’t done anything to be ashamed of. But I guess I wondered if my thoughts were incriminating me in some way unknown to me. Finally, walking through the quiet majesty of the Joffre Lakes the truth hit me -
I have the final say over my thoughts.
I can stop or start them. I judge them to be helpful or unhelpful. It does not matter where they come from and I determine where they are going. Which leads to:
I decide on my actions.
And I am responsible for them, not spiritual forces or the state of my ‘heart’. There are many steps on the journey of living my life as if it is truly my own. It is only right that this step was witnessed by stunning peaks, awe-inspiring glaciers, and emerald green lakes.
