Do you ever have the naked dream? Where you find yourself naked in a public place in a sea of clothed people? I do. But sometimes it’s fine – I realize I’m naked, but nobody’s looking at me and no one cares. It’s when people start staring, tell me with their hole-drilling eyes that I am doing something wrong, that I feel the need to cover up or disappear.
Almost four years after leaving Christianity, sometimes I still feel like Something can see me in my most nakedest of parts. And if what it sees is too angry, or judgmental, or perverted, or [insert antiquated moral standard here], it is disappointed, and I feel like a failure. It is too simplistic to say that this Something is god. It is a whole Christian doctrine that goes something like this:
1. Thoughts are a natural product of your heart, so that ‘bad’ thoughts mean there is something flawed in the your deepest part, something that only god can fix. There is no way to know how or when he will do it; you have to trust him.
2. Actions are a natural product of your thoughts, feelings and beliefs, so your internal dialogue must be constantly surveyed so that you’ll do the right thing.
Sound like a recipe for paranoia and defeat? This past week I spent several days mulling over what to do about someone who is harassing me. My biggest fear is that he would know from looking at me what my plans are – that he would have god-like ESP and use the information in my head against me. On top of that, I felt guilty, even though I haven’t done anything to be ashamed of. But I guess I wondered if my thoughts were incriminating me in some way unknown to me. Finally, walking through the quiet majesty of the Joffre Lakes the truth hit me -
I have the final say over my thoughts.
I can stop or start them. I judge them to be helpful or unhelpful. It does not matter where they come from and I determine where they are going. Which leads to:
I decide on my actions.
And I am responsible for them, not spiritual forces or the state of my ‘heart’. There are many steps on the journey of living my life as if it is truly my own. It is only right that this step was witnessed by stunning peaks, awe-inspiring glaciers, and emerald green lakes.
Can you tell him to simply leave you alone, and if he refuses obtain an order of protection, so he can’t come around you with threats, and harrassment?
I don’t know the extent of the harassment, Amy, but I certainly would not
want to put up with something like this either.
I can share that as a Christian believer, I don’t stress out about every stray thought that comes to my mind. None of us are perfect, and are going to
have it altogether in this life.
To my mind, God loves and accepts me in Christ, and our growth in grace, so to speak, is a process.
I think I should simply relax into my unity with Him, and not stress, or worry.
Our life is a blessing. It’s good!
Tell this person who’s harrassing you to “Go fly a kite.”
Hi Grace, Thanks for taking the time to read, and for posting. I love your attitude and have definitely fantasized about telling this guy to take a hike. Without being able to go into details, I am trying my hardest to get out of this situation and think I will have some good news on that front soon. Then I will happily sit down with him and his superiors and spill the beans.
I am happy to hear that you are not stressed out about your thought life – most Christians I know aren’t. I also wasn’t for much of my Christian life. There are many paradoxes and contradictions in Christianity that I was content to trust God with, in faith that he had the best in mind for me. It was only when I tried to make sense of my faith – when I went to seminary actually! – that it all fell apart on me. But, that is my experience, and I am glad that your experience of is one of love and peace. I agree with you – life is very, very good!